No More YouTube No More TikTok- No More FB..

My brain is THINKING – Last night I dreamt I cheated

Day 6

My dreaming is intense and vivid

My thinking is DEEPENING

My mind is alight with activity.

Clearly it has nothing else to do – so it’s making up its own ‘fun’

I’m enjoying it. I feel alive

My new routine is to get up and have my coffee by the downstairs window. The weather is still bright with the sun even though it’s far cooler than it was.

It’s extremely nice to sit in silence and drink my coffee or tea here before everyone else gets up – it’s utterly beautiful actually. It’s mine…my time for me

I’m thinking about my dream I had last night and the thinking that came before I slept and as I was waking.

A LOT OF INFORMATION, USEFUL INFORMATION i think, is buzzing around in my head.

I dream last night I cheated – I dreamt I was on holiday with my boyfriend and I posted a work video on TikTok.

Even in my dream I felt guilty and i could feel the disappointing control of my habit and addiction.

I felt a deep sadness that I couldn’t give up as I was giving myself my usual filter of ‘natural makeup’

I felt guilty in my dream as I tried to stand up for myself to my boyfriend as he was clearly surprised I was editing a video for TikTok.

He didn’t say anything in my dream but I could feel his surprise, confusion and possible disappointment that I was going back on my strong words of “I AM DONE WITH THIS!”

I said something like “oh it’s just a quick video – nothing major – I’m not going to make a habit of it or post everyday again”

But as my dream self said it, I could feel the lie within it – I could feel the lost of control and the pull towards my habit and addiction.

I’ve got to say that when I woke and realised it was a dream I was so relieved I hadn’t ACTUALLY done what I had done. The guilt felt horrible

I was now awake but dozing. Playing with my thoughts about my dream…

Feeling into the guilt – feeling into my disappointment.

Analysing my habit and addiction.

Allowing my brain to think and go wherever it wanted with this.

I still SO want OUT of this!!

I know I’m only at the beginning of all this ‘giving up stuff’ – but i really still want out so much! I have to start somewhere

I once read – the bravest or strongest version of you is on DAY ONE of any self inflicted CHANGE.

I don’t want an ‘online’ life. I mean I ‘could’ – it’s certainly possible….. But I’m better face to face. I’m better seeing and communicating with someone in front of me.

I like people. I think it’s a strength of mine

I want to see them and talk to them – I want a real person instead black letters on a white background responding to me – there’s no one there….

I have deduced from this dream further that I really don’t want to have my career or job online – I really don’t want to have hours and hours on a computer a day because that’s how I make money for my household …

No

I really can feel that now.

I don’t want 1000s of followers – 1000s of subscribers. The number is addictive but there’s no one there……there’s no one there….

It’s lonely…..

Plus you are not yourself online – you are a version THEY want…. Like I’ve said in my previous blogs….you lose who you really are…

I want ‘me’ back – and I want people back / real people – I’m best being WITH people. Talking TO people – looking AT them – in their eyes – feeling into the thoughts and feelings with their movements.

I’m empathic – I can feel peoples moods when I’m in there physical company – I enjoy that.

But I can’t do it from letters on a screen.…

It’s detached and void…..

I don’t want an online life anymore

I’ve booked a hike – I’m going to Snowdon with a group of girls that I don’t know. I’m looking forward to meeting people – talking and learning about someone else.

I had my friend over this week to watch a film – that was lovely…. I saw him. Spoke to him.

I cooked with my children – mini pizzas from scratch and mini burgers from scratch- we watched spider man – ate popcorn and drank Dr Pepper –

THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT!

I had a long conversation with my eldest about why I’m giving up social media and I think he was in someways interested at 13 years old…. I hope I’ve made him think – “is there more to life?”

He’s facing the social media ban next year anyway – so we’ll all be in it together. I’m pleased I will be able to help him by being free of it myself!

I educated him about the book and film – ‘when the wind blows’ – he was very interested. I would have missed these opportunities if I’d been scrolling …..

My Dads birthday is on Friday and my boyfriend’s on Sunday – we have two beautiful restaurants to go to….. really fancy ones – I’ll dress up…..

I feel calm and thoughtful today…. I feel content, calm, peaceful and I think ‘happy’

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