No More YouTube No More TikTok – No More FB…
My First Relapse
DAY 15
Ok – so Day 15 today –
Yesterday i ‘relapsed’… if i can be so dramatic with my words!
It is an addiction I have, so I feel the word isn’t totally unjustified
I was with a client yesterday and I directed her to my videos online to help her with her learning.
I haven’t been online on any social media platform for 14 days – no consuming or creating
But I have got over a thousand videos online to help, not only my own clients, but also the public if they wish to learn for free
I directed my client to some videos I knew would help her.
She and I spoke about my social media and “how useful” she found my videos
I felt proud of myself and I felt good that my videos have helped her.
I told her I was having a break from social media and that because I’d deleted the icons I needed to show her the videos on her phone, on her YouTube account so I didn’t have to download it and send to her.
I saw all the videos I had released for the first time in 2 weeks…,
There they all were ….
I noticed my last video I released 2 weeks ago received 2.5k views – which on YouTube, for me, is really good
I couldn’t stop thinking about it –
I downloaded to app to see what I’d earned this mouth.
£86
That’s not bad – I thought….
I looked at the comments – I was expecting to tidy up trolls comments
Nope … non there…..
All really thankful and positive remarks!
“Thank you so much”
“This is really useful”
“Thank you for taking the time to make this – I understand now”
Hmmmmmm….
This wasn’t good for my addiction…..
I thought about how my client said my videos were so good, so helpful, and I felt proud of myself….
I started to make a new video…….
I spent an hour on it…collecting footage
I immediately felt depressed…. Defeated – deflated – addicted….
Like, instantly !!!!!!!!
I felt guilty – I felt annoyed I had no control – I felt social media had won…
I got home – depressed and void
I spoke to my partner and told him what I’d done
He said he didn’t think that creating and consuming was the same thing and tried to suggest that creation was possibly ok but scrolling and consuming was the ‘bad’ part – which I hadn’t done…,
I started to edit my video.
My kids were disappointed I was on my phone
I was grumpy as I felt my addiction had won
I ignored my kids as my head was in my phone
I edited a 3.5 min video from the footage I had collected – gave it a thumbnail – a title – a description – cards inside the video to direct to other videos and end titles so people could be directed to other videos
My kids complained I wasn’t playing with them
I felt guilty and grumpy
I felt tired and pee’d off
I lost a night with my family…..
In my video I ‘explained’ myself to the people who follow my page.
“Sorry ive been away – I’ve had car problems – bereavement other nasty things – I’m having a break by stepping back from social media a bit – but I’m ok”
I noticed immediately 2 peoples names I recognise to be my ‘regulars’ wrote and said I’d been missed and they are sorry to hear about my bereavement and my problems
Thats lovely – but ….
I missed a night with my kids – I missed a night with the ‘real’ people in my life….
I feel deflated today
I’ve deleted the icon again and will now think about what this all means and what to do next…
I’m analysing the feelings of guilt- annoyance, DEPRESSION and a void that i IMMEDIATELY felt on making – editing and publishing the video.
I’m analysing the loss of evening with my family
I’m thinking about my children saying “are you on social media mum?”
I felt their disappointment
I’m feeling into my guilt when I said yes …
Yuk
I’m analysing my disappointment in myself
I mean – I was bound to have some type of slip up…. I suppose in some ways it’s to be, sort of, expected.
I guess it’s what I allow to happen now….
Does it annoy me so much that it will propel me forward to stop entirely
Or does it open the door again and I totally screw this up by returning….
I’m pretty annoyed with myself….
I need a day or 2 to think about what I want.
This is an honesty page about giving up social media – so I will be sharing the slip ups and ‘relapses’ because what’s the point in the blog otherwise……
I booked a boxing class on Saturday to meet more people – more face to face interaction with real people – so that’s a positive
Speak soon – your guilty WordPress person….
