Deep Fear and Panic – Reaching for my phone out of habit at 6am….
It’s 6.13am – my alarm has been snoozed twice
In my limbo of being in between ‘awake’ and ‘asleep’ Ive now already had 2 ‘attacks’ of fear and panic that I won’t be on Social Media today….
God how sad this is….. how utterly pathetic. I’m so disappointed by my addiction.
But, I tell myself, this new ‘blog’ is the ‘reality’ and ‘realism’ of the issues of either, the ‘complexity’ or ‘stupidity’, of the human mind.
Deep fear and panic in my limbo of awaking….disappointing….. but noticed
Fear and panic of what? She analyses…..
Not making a video today? – Not posting about work? Not having ‘something’ to do today in my spare time? Breaking a ‘set in stone’ habit? Change? Difference? Fear of what else there is… or isn’t…..? Fear of the nothing? Fear of the silence? Fear of the void? Fear of the peace? Fear of the calm?
I feel the void and space at 6.16am – I write to my ‘new friend’, WordPress, for some sort of comfort and new routine – this is clearly a replacement… but it’s more intelligent (I’ll tell myself)….. “Better for my mind” – it’s an experiment – a teaching for myself to look back on … a learning for myself and potentially others….
That’s what I’ll tell myself I’m sure – but what this is… this WordPress idea….? I don’t actually know now either…it’s definitely a replacement)
A ‘healthier’ replacement??
I feel anxious- I have anxiety in my chest – I feel disappointed, saddened and a bit embarrassed… surly I’m stronger than this. I’m a business women!!!
“There IS more to life – there is another way! There IS MORE…. Erm – more of what? What’s on offer?”
What do other people do? What did I do before Social Media? I’m 45 in 3 months. Think women think…..I must have done something.
If anything this makes me more determined though.
My ‘annoyance’ and ‘irritation’ in seeing my addiction this obviously ALREADY will give me a reaction of a petulant schoolgirl today – which WILL make me succeed this day.
But it’s about the habit of NOT having social media I have to develop…..
How long does it take a habit to form – what did the people on YouTube say? …. 3 months – 90 days? Can’t check YouTube now… perhaps I’ll reach for a book – someone with a PHD of the mind and how it works… yes….. yes…. Good idea.
But, truly, I am saddened as well to know that ‘they’ got me – I was weak – I followed the crowd – I fell into the man made trap for all of us. I’m just a number. I’m a battery for making money for companies. I’m a consumer. I was ‘made’ a consumer by billionaires and specialists who carefully made the correct visual and auditory concoction to grow my predictable and inevitable addiction – grrrrr!!!
I ‘reached’ for my phone at 6am and panicked.
My spiteful teenager I have inside me will win this fight today – but I know my addiction will change soon and in a more insidious way my addiction will call out again – insisting I should at least look for ‘some’ ‘good’ reason
It’s an addiction like any other
Day 2 begins – head down – 6.25am – coffee on with 5 mins to spare before waking the kids….
Another-Way-Surely 