I think I have failed … what now?? I’ve ‘used’ what does this mean? – what will I do next?
No More YouTube No More TikTok- No FB
Well, that was the plan anyway….
I think I’ve failed
DAY 17
Well yesterday (Day 16) I used TikTok and the day before (Day 15) I used YouTube
Both visits I created videos rather than consumed
Now I’m on Day 17….
I don’t want to NOT post on my WordPress blog because I think I’ve failed ….I WANT to post still because I think I’ve failed!!!
This is an addiction, a modern day addiction and it acts like many other addictions – I want to document this whole experience and journey
Whatever this is – I’m sharing it – because if I want to find a new way of life and stop being addicted to Social Media – then there must be someone else in my shoes who also wants to stop their addiction to social media
The day before yesterday I was complimented on my helpful videos by a client – I’ve been making videos online for nearly 3 years and in the last year I’ve pretty much posted everyday
This made me feel self value and pride and I suddenly wanted to ‘go back’ and make more videos….
17 days ago I read that AI was apparently capable of killing off all the human species in 3.5 years….
so I thought….
“do I really want to scroll to consume utter crap online”
“Do i really want to make DAILY videos for clients and the public, everyday, for £100-£150 a month from TikTok and YouTube”
31 days of daily work for ….
some compliments, some trolls, DMs. Then the personal ‘fee’ of not spending time with my kids – partner – friends – family or doing hobbies that I may find and enjoy…
At first I started off strong – a bit like a diet – all in, thinking it’s easy “I’ll just stop using Social Media, No Biggy” …. wondering what everyone is complaining about ….
But….. that was seemingly a ‘pink cloud’…
17 days later – I’ve now used YouTube (the day before yesterday) and TikTok (yesterday) to create videos for my clients and the public
It’s now 6am on day 17 and I’m feeling in to my feelings-
I’m feeling angry….disappointed… annoyed that I seem to have been beaten!
I’m also running my opinions through my mind of how I feel about what I’ve seen online that’s making me angry.
If I hadn’t looked I wouldn’t feel angry!!
There must be a way out of all this – there must be another way to modern day life – this sucks
Since going back – I’ve made 3 videos….
My follower count has gone up 100 just from being back – grrrr – Not good for my addiction
It’s like a reward. “Where have you been” social media says – have some followers to feel worth and value……
Some ‘people’ – (well, black and white letters on a white background), have even said I’ve been ‘missed’ and they hope I’m ok…..
People have be tagging me in their videos and taking about me – positively and negatively
The negative comments always hit harder than 10 complimentary comments
I know logically what to do. But I am finding it hard to just leave
I ‘should’ delete all my accounts….
I should- but I still get paid for the old content and it’s very good work…. It helps people – but aghhhhhhhh I don’t know how to just step away and leave it!!!
I’ve failed – I went back when I said “I’d given up’
So do I now throw in the towel and return to the life I had before
No – no!!!!! I really really don’t want to…
I can see that life is ‘jailed’ and small and always the same
There’s a bigger life out there! I can feel it
It’s like stepping backwards now to go back to every day posting and consuming – I know it’s only been 17 days – but it’ll feel like such a failure and such a step backwards to just give up and return to what I was before
I know 17 days is nothing – but it was enough to think about what I want to do with my life
I really want a different life – but what now… I have actually failed this? Or is this just a natural blip of giving up an addiction?
It’s like eating a take away pizza on a strict diet
What now ?
It’s like going back to a toxic relationship and thinking – shit how do I leave again…..
I have decisions to make …..
What next – what now – what today? – What tomorrow ?
What are my goals – what do I want ….
Let me process and work this out ‘aloud’ here on WordPress – forgive me as I process in real time…
“What do I want?”
“Why did I want to stop in the first place”
Ok – so in a nut shell, to answer some of those questions
“Why did I stop in the first place 17 days ago?”
I read the AI article and wondered what I was doing with my life – I deemed social media to be a waste of my life and I wanted to be alive in a different way. I decided I needed to see people face to face – go on adventures – spend time with my kids, partner, friends and family. Pick hobbies I really enjoy and exercise more to be healthier.
These things, I thought are classed as ‘living’ – But scrolling/consuming social media and creating videos on social media I deemed to be ‘taking’ from my life – stealing time and precious moments from my life…
So I stopped by deleting the icons.
I felt and was more productive – I could sort life issues better – I released some frustration and angry due to not reading or seeing emotive content.
But the icons are back – renegaded to the back page of my phones homescreen – almost in the naughty room on my phone – on their own –
When I first redownloaded I felt a huge sense of depression. I felt my addiction had won and that was very depressing. I felt I literally had no control but I was just doing it anyway….
Today (being 6am and the 3rd potential day back to social media) feels like i could enter a well known area of my life – everything could be the same – same people online waiting – same information – same everything actually. Same speed – same questions. Same feeling – same comments – same DMs – same same same ….SAME – it is all still right there – no change –
All the EXACT SAME.
All the people I ‘know’ in the same career as me – still making their videos – suck in the jail of it all.
I can see the reels of the people I follow and they too are still making their videos – it’s all the same – same same same same ….
No change ….
But now what – i get that it’s like walking into an old room that’s still the same 10 years on – you know where everything is and how it all works and what’s inside…..
I haven’t missed anything…. It’s all doing exactly the same as 2 weeks ago!
I’m just back on the treadmill…
I’m just back on the motorway at 1000 miles an hour again..
So what do I want going forward now….,
There must be a way out of this …
Why did I go back? Addiction? Pure addiction!was is FOMO that got me – EGO that got me – curiosity that got me – boredom that got me? Did it? Did boredom get me…? I dunno actually.
No ….It feels like my curiosity got me….. yes curiosity got me ….. I have failed due to curiosity I think…
But now I’m back in the ‘toxic relationship’ I see immediately that it’s STILL crap – just like i realised before….just like i knew before
BUT What now?!???!!!
It’s 6.40am and I haven’t opened the icons yet…..
Maybe I’ll delete them
They say you go back to a toxic relationship around 7 times before leaving for good
Maybe this was my 1st return to social media and yep it’s still there – still crap – still the same
I’ll delete the icon apps now and have another ‘day off’ social media
(To name some positives I’ve done in the last 2 days whilst being back on social media – I watched a Netflix show with my eldest son and had my elderly father over for dinner last night – so I’m proud of those two things at least)
But – social media crept in… and it’s annoyed me – There is another way to life – I want to find it.
